Covert or Passive-Aggressive Bullying: The Hidden Form of Aggression

Covert or passive-aggressive bullying is a form of hidden aggression that damages relationships, undermines social status, and erodes a person’s sense of self-worth, often within a group or workplace.

While many of us are familiar with overt bullies—those who are quick to show their intimidating presence—a covert bully operates much more subtly. On the surface, they may appear friendly and appropriate, but their harm is delivered through cunning and underhanded methods.

Examples of covert bullying include:

• Negative gossip or hurtful jokes at someone's expense
• Sarcasm or gaslighting intended to confuse or undermine
• Condescending gestures, facial expressions, or eye contact
• Social exclusion, isolating targets to cause emotional distress
• Deliberately sabotaging someone’s well-being, success, or happiness in subtle ways
  
• The "invisible treatment" where a person is deliberately ignored

These tactics are often disguised as harmless or playful, making it difficult for the target to respond or even recognize the bullying. The covert bully may isolate their target socially, increasing anxiety and insecurity.

5 Indicators of Covert Bullying

1. Your feelings
   Targets of covert bullying often struggle to identify the behaviour as bullying. You might feel uncomfortable, undermined, or even confused, but because the bullying is subtle, it can be difficult to acknowledge. If you feel bullied, trust your instincts—you're likely being targeted, even if the bully seems outwardly "nice."
   
2. The use of privacy
   Covert bullies avoid any witnesses to their actions. Since their goal is to maintain a "good" or "innocent" image, they ensure that their harmful actions are hidden from others, often targeting their victim in private or semi-private settings.
3. Spell-casting
   The goal of the bully is often control. While overt bullies use force or threats to coerce, covert bullies rely on subtle manipulation, deceit, and trickery. The target may even start to feel a need to please the bully, which is a key part of the manipulation process.
4. Confusion
   Because the bullying is subtle, it often leaves the victim confused, questioning whether it’s really happening. They may look for other reasons for their negative feelings, unsure if their experience of bullying is valid.
5. The roller coaster effect
   Covert bullies often alternate between abuse and kindness. After being manipulative or aggressive, they may suddenly do something nice, granting favours or offering to help. This shift can cause the target to second-guess themselves and become more emotionally invested, which confuses the situation further.

How to Handle Covert Bullying
While bullying can be difficult at any age, it is especially frustrating and painful in adulthood. Covert bullying can erode your confidence, damage relationships, and lead to emotional and physical stress. To protect yourself, it’s important to assert your boundaries and stand up for your well-being.

Here are 7 strategies to help you handle covert bullying effectively:

1. Keep Safe and Don’t Engage
   If possible, limit contact with the bully. Sometimes, disengaging is the best option, especially if the situation feels like it’s not worth your energy or time.
2. Keep Your Cool
   Bullies often thrive on pushing your buttons and creating emotional reactions. Stay calm, and avoid giving them the satisfaction of seeing you upset. By maintaining composure, you prevent the bully from gaining the upper hand.
3. Choose a Response
   Not every situation requires the same response. Sometimes, a firm, assertive response is necessary, but other times you can simply walk away or show disinterest. Trust your judgement and handle each situation accordingly.
4. Effective, Assertive Communication
   Don’t let the situation fester. Address the issue early, set boundaries, and establish clear consequences for any inappropriate behaviour. When communicated effectively, these boundaries can compel the bully to stop their behaviour or face consequences.
5. Talk About It
   Don’t suffer in silence. Speak to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist about your experiences. Sometimes, just verbalizing the situation can help you process your feelings and gain clarity on the best way forward.
6. Formal Communication
   If the situation escalates, consider formalizing your communication. Keep a record of your interactions, and if needed, involve others as witnesses to document what's happening.
7. Get Help
   If the bullying continues, don’t hesitate to seek help. Tell a friend or loved one, and in more severe situations, escalate the issue to a supervisor, HR department, or authority figure who can intervene.

Covert bullying is not something to ignore or tolerate. It can have a lasting impact on your emotional and mental well-being, so it’s important to recognize the signs and take action. You have the right to stand up for yourself, protect your boundaries, and create a safe, respectful environment in all areas of your life.

For support with this or other challenges, please connect with Michele Wolf, Registered Psychotherapist at Aware Within-Collingwood Psychotherapy.